rtl walk #72: best (to the sky)
rtl walk #68: but the day
My mysteries and eclectic ways were unlocked for merely moments for the neurotica to maneuver its way in. The vulnerability was under construction with ladders and workers moving fast to do their patchwork, but willpower and force are strong, especially when mixed with curiosity in the pale moonlight. Of course my friendly dog that I trust entirely was a pleasant distraction from fear that evening as well. He mentioned loyalty and commitment quickly, and I had nothing left to sacrifice of myself. I was freshly hollow and lost that evening.
My journey led me there, and took me from there as well. It was a short time, though so fast paced. I learned and lost so much.
I understood him. I did. Although his words said one thing, his actions said another. And he mentioned, his actions were his true intent.
That was more important to him than anything. In a way, I feel the words I’ve spoken led him down his path. His chosen self destruction.
I am not to blame for mentioning mere thoughts he had already seeded. He threw me away like garbage. I guess I was a cracked nut shell when he received me.
You know tho, I do see through and feel some of that pain he has. Although, to pluck a flower from the garden, disallows it’s continuance to grow. I am but a desert rose you see. And it is a good thing I am. I’ve survived so many droughts like him.
This hurts though.
the frogs call out
frog bog frog bog frog bog
I want to tell you
but I can’t seem
frog bog frog bog frog bog
what did I have
I don’t know
I don’t know
frog bog frog bog frog bog
© Frank Prem, 2017
November 2017 Poem #08: lake to lake walk: fair fall
Poem #17 from tuesday night at emile’s
can’t take them with you
you can’t take them with you
sometimes you want to love them
all night long
sometimes you want to keep them
when they ought to be gone
you want to keep them
but you can’t take them with you
on the days when you reach them
the days when they reach you
you really want to keep them
pressed in an album
like a rose flavoured prize
the perfume to let you have them
all over again
but you can’t
take them with you
leave them standing in the aisle
with your voice in their heads
filling up their senses
from the songs that you sang
in a promise they’d be with you
wherever you might go
a little lie to hold them
till the end of the…
View original post 28 more words
My monkeys, my circus.. I hear the song daily in my head you know. The bellowing of the organ playing, calling, variably haunting and taunting tenaciously some moments. It steers me through tunnels, so deep I’ve been turned away by friends as I repeat my questions and mysteries to them as I seem to scare them away. It’s loneliest when the ones you are closest to, shut doors in your face amidst the toughest fears one has. My only choices I have in these moments, after I’ve gone through a grand cycle of grief it seems (which in human form is apparently supposed to happen??!??!? Lol) is “look up” or “look down”. Faith, courage, and confidence in the choices I make.. LOOK UP = I’ve been saying “Akasata” for over 3 years now not knowing what it means… I say it with spiritual intent.. as I’ve linked it to my faith in some fashion.
I found out last night that it means sky. Fly Fly Fly… I’ll find my tribe, no doubt. It’s tough, but I’m a warrior. Till my last breath I’ll fight.
The carousel of nymphs and angels and weasels and foxes and dwarfs and gnomes and griffons… they point me in my directions.
The King of Trolls allowed me to travel his lands freely, untouchable. He wished me to be his bride, tho I told him no. Still, he wanted something from me, hence he wanted me to travel his lands always. I don’t completely trust the King of Trolls, though I believe his sincerity of allowing me travel and passage a decent gesture. This once, I was in need of his absolute assistance. I have what he needs, strengths and courage he doesn’t possess.
He believes he can take that from me. But it’s instilled. —- the troll doesn’t understand. He desires something he can never have.. and will most likely forever chase it, until he works upon himself within his own reflection. But a troll won’t possess a mirror. They can’t stand their own reflection. Oddities!! Lessons beyond the astrals always learning. Constantly teaching in my ways.
These are my monkeys, this is my circus.
And I love them so ❤️❤️❤️
The new toy:
It’s not so new really, and actually he found it recently in his closet. It’s new to me though. I saw it and asked him about it. He told me stories of how he used to play with it when he was a kid, and I really didn’t think much about it. He’s a cool friend you know, and I asked if I could play with it too. He was willing to share his toy with me. I spent some time with it, figuring out its gadgets and twists and turns.
I found a secret compartment. As soon as I did, I shut that compartment quickly, as I didn’t want him to get upset if he found out, nor did I want to break the toy.
I watched him play outside with the toy a couple more times, which was pretty awesome. He seemed to have a great time.
Soon, he started disappearing with the toy, hiding it as he left his house. Keeping secrets with the toy in tow.
I couldn’t understand, but I figured, boys will be boys!! Of course I was curious.. but, he’s a grown man you know.. so, none of my business right? Ok.
Soon after, like the next day of the secret disappearances, he started treating me bad. Inferring name calling. Unwilling to have casual conversation with me. He was very uneasy. He started to avoid my calls.
I lost my friend I think, because of this new/old toy?
This is not my first roller coaster though. I’m not angry or mad. I wish him well with his new toy.
Blessings my friend 🙏 love and light always
I must keep on my journey.
Pain misery affliction attention mixture confusion temptation judgment fear loyalty paranoia insidious tar seductive sexual passionate clasping clinging fluctuation explosive sequins astral driven predatory rasping tearing hungry withdrawal innocuous nocturnal hunter shadows sly twisted immoral jaded forgiving
Flashing back there tends to usually be a trip wire involved. As in, a trap. Something that warns me that this too could have been prevented had I looked hard enough.
The trip wire’s physical appearance is red coated copper wire about four inches long, barely visible, dust covered.. on the side of the road. I see it, but, I don’t say anything, cause… I think it’s just trash and they won’t listen to me anyway.
5 minutes later, an IED goes off, flipping over an up-armored HMMWV. The bomb went off under the passenger side behind the tire well. That was specifically the weakest spot on the vehicle.
This was our first convoy out. My first impression of boots on the ground in Iraq.
When the convoy had to stop due to the IED, we had to unmount the 7 ton and search the terrain. As in, kill the enemy in the case there was one…
The HMMWV was destroyed. The A-Driver (passenger) didn’t make it. The driver did but went back home to Bethesda Maryland for many injuries. The HMMWV was towed back to our FOB inside the wire where I walked in circles every night round and round… till I could fall asleep.. I would pass by that burnt vehicle and see it, of course, wondering, and again pondering.
I was determined more and more to make a difference to do my part. I don’t know if I failed. I didn’t have time to dwell on failure. I could only push forward.
Just Keep Swimming per say. But what was I swimming in? I was absolutely in that moment every moment every step of the way.. so fast and furious. This is why I compare it to my heaven and also my hell, I believe.
And then, the transition….
Much too early this morning between my first and second cup of coffee, I pondered.. about joy.
This morning I was relentlessly joyful, in my mind. How does that work? My heart smiled yes, but my mind, was joyful.. my senses sharp. It wasn’t because of the coffee though.
A long awaited answer came to me, but the answer was really there the entire time as I’ve come to see this evening. Hidden in the depths of my memory, which I’ve been digging for far too long I must say… inside these memories of mine.
I thought the answer had always been “patience.” “Time will show all things..” I do understand this way of being. Sometimes it doesn’t work so well for me, but I do try really really hard. But, “to be IN the moment”. “Grounding” myself… and to “remember to breathe..”. It’s usually the mechanic that has the broken car..
Not long ago, I had to face an enormous task of learning to “let go” of my most prized “joys” … my hearts…. not by a choice of my own.. but for the sake of their own thriving…. my children went to live with their father, and my animals that were all around me, I had to rehome them all. This wasn’t a choice I wanted to make, but I had to face the decision as the responsible adult.
Ripped and torn.. defeated… I made it through another day… no one answering their phone. I did succeed in my faith.. and I “Looked up”.
I saw light bulbs… and I saw burnt out light bulbs throughout my RV. So I decided that night, since I had an entire bucket of white light bulbs.. I would change all of them from yellow to white.. which was more efficient anyway.
By the end of the 2 hours it took me to finish.. I had processed.. that.. the cycle had to be broken. It was time for change.
I envisioned my life raft now.. floating with the current of the river, verses me becoming worn out by the constant paddling.
I seemed to feel relieved by this point. Grateful, for the blessing and the opportunity that had come to me.
Perception.. is the difference. Joy true joy is such a big deal!!
(C) Ryrssyjia Vendali 2018